Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Faith, Be the Hope

Today I want to talk about something that I'm normally very silent about. I want to talk about faith. Not any one particular type of faith or religion, just faith in general. The one thing you put your trust in, the thing in your life that gives you hope. That one thing you put your emotional trust in, and rely on to reassure you that things will be ok, and work out for the best. For some people it may be God, Karma, or the planets, and stars aligning in a certain way. What ever that faith may be in, it can be pretty heart breaking when something happens to test or shake that faith. When everything you believed in since you were young, when the blind confidence you have always had in that higher being or magical working of the universe is suddenly shattered.
For me personally it was a faith in God. It was drilled into my head, and my heart that as long as you are a good person, and live for others, do as Jesus would, God would protect you, answer your prayers, and never abandon you. My family is very religious all the way around, we went to church every Sunday together, and not because we were forced to, but because we wanted to. My mother and I sang every Sunday in the choir that she started for the earlier mass, she also taught ccd. My family tried everyday to do good deeds, and live as good people (not that we are perfect by any means we've all made our share of bad choices). So naturally when we got the deviating news that my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer after the initial shock, we made our peace with it, because God was going to save her. As long as we prayed, and continued to be good people God would answer our prayer, and save my mom. He would give us a miracle I was sure of it.
After a long fight my mom was deemed cancer free. Amazing, but I knew she would be, God was on our side. But not even a month being cancer free the cancer moved to her spine, and into her brain. Most people would be so scared. Nope not us we were surely going to get our miracle.
Except this time we didn't get our miracle. Instead we got to watch the most beloved person in our family suffer, and fight everyday with a smile on her face, despite the pain in her body. If anyone was a definition of an angel on earth it was my mom. I'm not just saying that because she was my mother. She made every decision with her heart, even if it wasn't the best thing for her. Creating smiles in the darkest places, and friends in the unfriendliest of times.

I just couldn't wrap my head around it. My whole world shattered as I woke up that morning to the sounds of her last breaths, a memory I live over, and over every night. An image, and a feeling I will never be able to shake.

All my faith, all my trust, all my love for God, gone in that moment. Replaced with anger, and hate. If he couldn't save the one person I've seen everyday live in his image, how could he possibly be real.
For many reasons I couldn't bring myself to go to church after that, and honestly to this day I still cant. I may never get the explanation I need or the answers I seek. But what I have learned from this, is that even when your faith is shaken, live for the people around you. Be kind to others to better their lives not to have some alliance with a higher power.
I didn't write this to convince people to be religious or anti religious. I think having  faith in something is a good thing. Hope is a magical thing.

I wrote this to give you this challenge today:
If your faith is battered, and your belief shattered, no matter how hard it is take the strength you have left, and go be someone's hope. If you've lost your faith go help someone else  keep theirs. Live for the people around you. Better yet, reach out, and help someone rise from their own despair. Create change, exhume love. Be hope.

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